This being my first pregnancy, I was sure that every feeling I was getting was the end of the world. Should I feel that tightness in my left ovary? My sister had experienced an Ectopic Pregnancy, so that was on my mind anytime I felt any ping at all from one side or another. Every Mother I knew reassured me. "You'll feel weird pains. Unless you bleed, there isn't anything to worry about". Because of this, when I noticed a few spots of blood on the tissue in my 7th week I was a little concerned. But I felt no pain in conjunction, so again, I was reassured by the masses. It wasn't until I saw a little bit of tissue that I got really concerned. I called the OB I hadn't even met yet to let her know and to see if this was normal. Her nurse, Linda (who really, I should call Saint Linda, since she was amazing through this whole horrible process) called me and asked me to come in and get my blood tested so that she could see my HCG levels (a.k.a. pregnancy hormone). After seeing my levels, she was concerned that they weren't that high. She asked that I get blood drawn again. Before I could get the results of the second test though, I started to have severe cramping and more blood. I laid on the bed crying to Matt that it wasn't normal and that I wanted to go to the E.R. rather than wait for the blood results. It was Sunday, and we made our way to the E.R. for what turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life.
After sitting in the E.R. for almost 4 hours, we got in to see the Dr. They poked and prodded me for over 3 hours before I got the final prognosis. There was an Embryo inside me, but it didn't have a heartbeat. Finally, I had to face that the promise of a baby would not be fulfilled. The next day my OB confirmed my final concern. They called it a "non-viable pregnancy" but to me, it was losing my baby. What I had been so excited for not 3 weeks before was now nothing but tissue floating in my womb. They gave me the option of miscarrying naturally, which could take weeks. I could also take a pill prescription that would induce the miscarriage. I chose the medication because prolonging the pain of what was happening was not something I was interested in.
That night I started the prescription. Essentially, it started contractions so that my body would expel the tissue. It was probably the most pain I have ever experienced to date. To boot, I couldn't help but thinking that I was going through the pain of labor, except I wouldn't get a baby at the end. At one point I started crying harder than I have in recent memory. I also kept thinking my own personal mantra, borrowed from the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". 'TAWANDA!' It sounds ridiculous maybe, but I did what I could to get through. Finally, exhausted physically and emotionally, the pain subsided and I was allowed to sleep.
My mother says that an experience like this can make a relationship stronger or fall apart. Some people call your husband or wife your "Significant Other". I think that this experience has made me understand what it means to have a Significant Other. I don't know if I could have made it through probably the hardest several days of my entire life without my husband, Matt. He was there to hold my hand through every moment. He was there to cry with me when I couldn't handle what was happening. He was there to pick me up when I couldn't possibly stand on my own. That is what it is called when someone is significant. He is my significant other. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through something like this alone. It still isn't easy. Even today I told Matt that I was just trying to keep from being completely heartbroken. I have cried to Matt that I didn't ever want to go through this again and I am scared of trying again because I know there is always a chance I could lose another baby. There will come a time when we are ready to try again. We both want a baby. This fact hasn't changed that. The only thing I can do, that we can do is hold each other tight and take it day by day.
No comments:
Post a Comment